CHICAGO—In an effort to streamline unethical practices and boost illegal profiteering, Mayor Richard M. Daley announced sweeping new plans Monday to overhaul his city's "antiquated" system of graft.
According to Daley, Chicago's once-great fraudulent institutions have grown obsolete, and City Hall is no longer bilking taxpayers out of as much money as it once did.
"It's been business as usual for too long in Chicago, and now it's time to find more efficient ways to misuse authority for personal gain," said Daley, who has served as Chicago's mayor since 1989. "We must modernize our illegitimate activities right now, today, before it becomes impossible for public officials to act in my best self-interests."
Telling City Council members it was inexcusable that Chicago still used such outdated methods as pen and pencil to falsify financial records and conceal kickbacks, Daley called for the purchase of some 10,000 overpriced computers, which he said would allow the city to digitize no-bid contracts, electronically transfer misappropriated funds, and keep better track of who's on the take.
Ahhh, you gotta love The Onion... fantastic satire.